


Misery Loves Company

by 7Threes



Series: Apocrypha is Upon Us [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: (It Would Be Wise To Make A Playlist), 15 Step, 15th Century English (At Times), 21st Century Schizoid Man, 4th Wall Breaking, Advanced Reading Level, Bitter Taste, Contoversial Topics, Cynical/Idealistic Themes, Depressing Themes, Drifting, Freewill, Hubris, I'm Seriously Tired Of The Page Resetting, Implied/Referenced Torture, Insert Symptoms Of Medication Here, King Crimson - Freeform, M/M, Metaphorical, Misery Loves My Company, Musical References, Philosophy, Poetry, Radiohead, Referenced Drug Abuse, Referenced Overdoses, Sabaton - Freeform, Sing Me A Fiction, Slow Build, Someone Who Cares, Suicidal Thoughts, Superficial/Subliminal Themes, Three Days Grace, athiesm, firestorm - Freeform, happiness, rush - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-08-07 20:58:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 16,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7729474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/7Threes/pseuds/7Threes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amon walks into a room to find a familiar ghoul cannibalizing Jason. Amon tries to figure out who the small ghoul is, and then the ghoul slips from his grasp. Weeks later, he always has the feeling he is being watched. . .</p>
<p>Thinking of changing the title of the work. Suggestions would be nice.<br/> </p>
<p>FINAL CHAPTER UPLOADED (WILL MAKE SEQUEL)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Misery In A Room

**Author's Note:**

> "I am not alone  
> Not beaten down just yet  
> And I am not afraid  
> Of the voices in my head  
> Down the darkest road  
> Something follows me  
> I am not alone  
> Cause misery loves my company"

Amon never expected to see such a horrid sight in his career as an Investigator. He never would've let it happen to anyone, but here a familiar figure lay on black-and-white blooded tile. He was boney, his hair white and stained crimson; laying atop the half-devoured body of a certain sadistic ghoul. The scrawny ghoul had cannibalized Jason. Cannibalized only after his fingers and toes were cut off, and his eyes had been pulled out, and his vocal chords had been crushed, and his skin was torn apart, and his body had been violated. Only after all that, did the smaller ghoul decide that he had enough of Jason's torture.

Amon slowly walked towards him before he saw the smaller ghoul's head snap up, and stare at him with his empty sockets, a crooked smile with missing teeth that were bloodied directed at him. Amon abruptly stopped as he looked at the familiar ghoul's broken state.

"This smell… You're that one Investigator I took a bite out of… Aren't you…?" the ghoul twitched and shook as he tried to stand up. He closed his eyes, tears leaving the holes before he opened his eyes to reveal one human eye staring at him, and another eye that looked too familiar; the eye of a ghoul.

Amon backed away from the scrawny ghoul slightly,"Th-The One-Eyed Owl?!" he spoke through his gritted teeth. The ghoul simply laughed, only to have his look be replaced with a frown.

"D-Do I look like a monster that much?" the ghoul's eyes began to let tears flow down as Amon watched him place a hand over his right eye."In this world, not only ghouls have done wrong, but humans as well." Only then did Amon realize who it was.

"E-Eyepatch?!" Amon readied his quinque as the realization hit him.

The ghoul tilted his head as he let his hand fall to his side,"Is that what you're calling me? Oh boy, I'm surprised you didn't find out about me sooner. I would've thought you'd find out who I was, but you are more inattentive than I thought." the ghoul ridiculed Amon.

"It doesn't matter who you are, all that matters is that you're a ghoul we need to track down." Amon readied to strike before he was stopped by the ghoul gesturing a finger to his lips,"Shhh."

Amon became frustrated with the ghoul's games, and decided to take action, charging at him only to be blocked by a familiar rinkaku kagune.

"If it doesn't matter who I am, then you lack the motivation to find out why I said what I said, and why I did what I did back then." the ghoul rested his eyes as his flanges regrew. There was no denying that Amon was curious on why a ghoul would spare him, especially a one-eyed ghoul who could have easily killed him.

"So why then?! Why?!" Amon's struggle almost ceased,"Why did you spare my life?!"

The ghoul only paused to think, then turned to Amon to ask a question,"Are you familiar with the Binge Eater of the 20th ward?" Amon could only grunt in frustration at the question,"What does it matter?!"

The ghoul laughed again,"She's dead all because of some stupid steel beams, and because I was a fool, I'm like this. Do you understand what I'm saying?" the ghoul teased Amon.

"This kagune isn't mine, it's hers."

Amon was baffled by the idea,"Wh-!" before he was slammed into a wall by a spastic tentacle.

"Sorry about that. Still working on it." the ghoul hit the side of his head as if they get something out of his ear. Amon was surprised when a centipede of all things fell out of the ghoul's ear.

"Ah… Much better." the ghoul mumbled only to ask another question,"Are you familiar with the book,'Metamorphosis,' Investigator? Perhaps if you read it, you would understand."

Amon had a limited knowledge on books, but Juuzou's obsession with peculiar things has made him understand a handful of tragedy novels,"Isn't that the one where a boy becomes a giant insect and can't eat much but cheese?" Amon questioned.

"Ah, so you are. But let's change 'giant insect' into ghoul, and 'cheese' to human flesh. What do we get?" the ghoul tilted his head side to side.

Amon only widened his eyes as he held the wound that had been opened by being slammed into the wall. The ghoul smiled as he saw Amon's expression.

"So you do see, don't you? 'The transplanting of organs without consent to a college student' wasn't just a decision made on the spot. It had to have been planned, and that doctor knew she was a ghoul." the ghoul ranted, finally getting off the half-devoured Jason and walking towards Amon, who held his quinque as he shivered slightly at the realization.

The ghoul held the centipede that exited his ear in his left hand, and in his right he showed a surgical scar to Amon, who knew ghouls don't need surgery.

"That's right, Investigator. Use that head of yours. I'm supposed to be human, and there's a maniac out there turning people into ghouls. If I won't see his end, at least you will. Doctor Kanou did this to me." the ghoul leaned closer to Amon,"And if I don't make it, make sure Hideyoshi Nagachika is alright. I know he's working as a part-timer for the CCG, so make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

Amon flinched at the ghoul's words,"How do you know Hideyoshi?" though, the ghoul only responded with a muffled chuckle,"He would tell you to call him Hide if he heard you, Investigator." 

The ghoul backed away from him, and disappeared. After minutes that felt like forever, he heard the familiar humming of a crazy investigator.

"Juuzou?" Amon called out, and with response,"Did you do this, Amon?"

"Shinohara?" Amon struggled as he held his side.

Shinohara stepped in front of Amon, hand out for Amon to grab onto, but the centipede in front of him reminded him of what transpired,"Shinohara, I feel a bit light-headed… Can you help me get to the ambulance?" Amon spoke the best he could, but there was a bit of croaking in his throat.

"Alright, but as long as you tell me what happened." Shinohara picked Amon up and supported him using his shoulder, walking out of the collapsing building, but couldn't help feeling he was being watched. . .


	2. Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amon can't shake this feeling that he's being watched, and runs into a certain messenger boy. . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Happiness  
> Straight from the bottle  
> When real life's  
> Too hard to swallow"

Amon had waited for what seemed like an eternity to leave that damned hospital. He just wanted to get back to work, find out who Eyepatch really was. He had to drown himself in paperwork just to get his mind at ease. He couldn't stop feeling like he was being watched, either. It was really bothersome.

But was what Eyepatch said really true? Everything about Kanou checked out. Nothing wrong. But that surgical scar was real. Ghouls never could get scars, so why did Eyepatch have one?

Amon grunted in annoyance. He couldn't get the ghoul out of his head. Every window he passed felt like he was going to be face to face with that damned ghoul. That was until he bumped into the messenger boy.

"Oh, sorry about that! Wasn't paying much attention!" Hide said as he scratched his cheek.

Amon took note of that.

"No big deal, actually. I was looking for you…" Amon shifted as he picked up papers.

"Oh? Expecting something?" Hide slightly shifted his eyesight away from Amon.

"No, this is about something relating to ghouls." Amon spoke firmly, trying to keep his voice steady. It was difficult, because it may be that one of Hide's friends were a ghoul.

An extremely dangerous ghoul.

"Oh, really? Sure you aren't looking for someone else?" Hide seemed a bit uptight.

"No, I'm sure. If we're going to talk, it can't be here, in the hallway." Amon said.

"But Mister Amon, I need to deliver some paper-" Hide tried to squeeze out of the situation.

"Your life could be at stake. Now let me ask you some things." Amon urged. 

"Woah, Amon! What're you pulling the delivery boy around for?" a familiar voice sounded.

Shinohara.

"I just needed him to answer some questions…" Amon said.

"Why ask him? What's he gonna know?" Shinohara questioned Amon.

Could he tell Shinohara? No. He had to-

"It's alright. You don't have to answer." Shinohara waved it off.

"…Yeah…" Amon hesitantly said.

"What's up with you anyway? You've been so tense after the raid… You okay?" Shinohara spoke his concern.

"To be honest, I feel like I'm being watched…" Amon admitted.

"I see… You still have to tell me about what happened in that room…" Shinohara urged, giving Hide the opportunity to escape.

"Oh, yeah…" Amon tensely spoke.

Shinohara placed his hand in Amon's shoulder,"C'mon, let's talk about it. Maybe it'll get whatever's bothering you off your chest."

"Y-Yeah. Where to then?" Amon asked.

"We can talk about it after you get your work done. I can see you still need to finish some work, so I'll wait for you to get done…" Shinohara slightly laughed at the end.

"Right." Amon sighed.

He was way too uptight. But he still couldn't shake the feeling he was being watched. Why? Why was it there? Perhaps it was just something he was feeling because he was stressed? Maybe it's because of all the sleepless nights, the unsettling sights he saw from that day just can't get out of his head. Questions ran through his head.

That didn't matter now.

He just needed to work.

Yeah, he was just imagining things. It was paranoia because he was without sleep, and because of all the stress that he was under. That was it, right?

Amon shrugged off the feeling. He had to work, so he continued to walk to his cubical. Of course he hesitates when he sees Eyepatch's file. He needed to get his mind off the damn ghoul. 

'One-eyed ghoul' Amon corrected himself.

Amon put his hands in his hair and held tightly. Honestly, if he keeps correcting himself about Eyepatch, he'll never stop thinking about him. Perhaps he should just do a little more research on him to set his mind at ease? There's no way that Eyepatch was once human.

Right?

Amon goes through with his idea, because he doesn't think much else will set his mind at ease… 'I mean, turning humans into ghouls? That's ridiculous!' Amon thought to himself.

He typed in the search bar:

'College students crushed under beams.'

He didn't like the result. . .

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

Kaneki was hesitant at first, but when he remembered how the alarms didn't go out last time, he made his daring decision. He had to, if he was going to keep Tokyo in peace, he couldn't let more dangerous, and mostly likely corrupt ghouls into the world.

He had to leave an anonymous lead.

The CCG appeared either oblivious to that fact, or they couldn't even imagine Cochlea getting stormed on by Aogiri Tree. Though, he couldn't tell them about Cochlea; that's classified information. So, he just had to tell them what ward. Easy enough, right?

Wrong.

Kaneki didn't even know if the systems still wouldn't react. After all, he has way more Rc cells than he had last time. Who knew what would happen?

Plus, Kaneki had to get in this elaborate getup just so that Hide wouldn't recognize him. Or that Investor.

It was risky, but he was willing to  
try. . .

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

Of all things in the world, he didn't expect Amon to ever want to talk about something ghoul related with him.

Takizawa was his information source, but did Amon catch on to what he was really after? Would Amon punish his actions? Or was this about the anonymous lead he placed? How would Amon know such a thing?

Hide kept walking down the hall to the entrance. Of all the things he saw, he never expected Kaneki to be inside the CCG building. Especially Kaneki in the CCG building. Though, Kaneki was in a weird getup. Was that to prevent Hide from noticing him? But if Hide ran up to Kaneki now, he was sure that Kaneki would react negatively. So, he just watched.

Wait…

Did he just go through the detectors?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha. Shinohara totally cockblocked Amon from getting his answers. And yeah, you probably hate me for leaving it at a cliffhanger. I'm working on a quality chapter, don't worry! It'll take me a week at most, so hang tight!


	3. Bitter Taste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tension rises at the CCG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your name,  
> Your face is  
> All you have left now  
> Betrayed, disgraced  
> You've been erased
> 
> So long, so long  
> I have erased you  
> So long, so long  
> I've wanted to waste you  
> So long, so long  
> I have erased you  
> I have escaped  
> The bitter taste of you

Kaneki couldn't help but feel knots curling and twisting in his stomach. He could see Hide gaping at him, staring right at him.

He just had to act natural, right?

Right…

Act natural in the presence of people who devote their lives to killing people like Kaneki.

_Ghouls_.

Not even if Kaneki was once a human, just like the rest of them. Not even if Kaneki had faced tragedy his whole life.

The CCG would not pity the life of a _mere ghoul_.

Even if sentient, even if capable of feeling, they're killed for something they _can't_ help, something they _can't_ control.

It happens all over the world, really. Not just to ghouls, but to anyone different.

As stated in the last speech in the movie, _'The Great Dictator'_ :

" _I should like to help everyone - if possible - Jew, Gentile - black man - white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other’s happiness - not by each other’s misery. We don’t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone_."

Apparently, this world isn't the same as _Charlie Chaplin's_.

Though, many idealisms are thrown to the wolves because the world is too corrupt for them.

_Money in exchange of suffering._

_Lies made to start wars._

_Propaganda made to twist the pure minds of children into hateful ones that stereotype._

Children are underrated by the people. They are the ones who have to clean up whatever mess the adults leave.

Right now, Kaneki was trying his best to clean up what the other ghouls' actions tell society about all ghouls.

A harrowing task indeed.

Kaneki couldn't stand to watch the CCG fail at stopping the decedent ghouls of Aogiri Tree, and cut down innocents without fail.

Kaneki believed that all humans and ghouls suffer from discrimination, from either among themselves or from both sides.

Kaneki thought that by 'showing his guts', or his true intentions to the CCG, would be the first step to ending the cycle of hatred between the two.

Kaneki _believed_ , and Kaneki _thought_.

_It didn't mean things would turn out any different._

What Kaneki believed in was the least humanity's worries, and at the bottom of the list for things humanity actually could care about.

It was _foolish_ , and _idealistic_.

Though, many things said to be foolish and idealistic have turned out to be true.

Being put in prison for believing the Earth is round, though, is entirely different than trying to unite two sentient, humanoid beings together on the assumption that both sides wish for it.

" _When all of humanity is threatened by one entity, they shall unite to destroy said entity_."

These are the words of a great philosopher, but obviously this philosopher had no idea what humans even were like.

Humans are stubborn, and they all think differently.

Different opinions with America warring with Vietnam.

A sad example, to be sure.

All these thoughts made Kaneki have second thoughts about what he was about to do.

Truly, it could be put down into history for the most foolish of things, or the bravest of things.

_This isn't like Rosa Parks sitting in the front of a bus._

_This is like Rosa Parks telling the KKK where the Black Panthers were attacking next._

Yeah, _definitely_ **foolish**.

And Kaneki couldn't help but feel nervous as he felt Hide's gaze upon him. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe he was just stressed out because he hadn't been able to sleep.

_The nightmares didn't want him to sleep._

**So the nightmares didn't let him sleep.**

Kaneki sighed as he walked to the front desk, slowly to bide himself enough time to calm down.

_Breathe in._

_Breathe out._

_Breathe in-_

"Hello. I would like to make an anonymous tip." Kaneki finally pushed out.

The woman at the front desk narrowed her eyes slightly,"What case is this on?" she asked skeptically.

Kaneki held the desktop tightly as the words fumbled out of his mouth,"It's for whoever is working on the Aogiri Tree case…"

The woman's brow raised curiously,"Oh? What would you like to say?"

Kaneki tried his best to keep the nervousness down as the words pushed out his mouth,"They're gathering in the 23rd Ward… Like they're about to attack something there." he half-lied.

The woman nodded as she took a pen out and scribbled on a paper,"Thank you very much, sir! I'm sure the Investigators will appreciate the contribution!"

But by the time she finished speaking, Kaneki had rushed out of the building.

_So much_ for **keeping it cool** , Kaneki.

* * *

 

Amon's fingers shook unsteadily as he read over the details of the incident, over and over again:

" ** _Two college students on an outing are crushed by steel I-beams in the 20th Ward. The female college student was declared dead at the scene. Since none of her family members could be contacted, and since the male college student, Kaneki Ken, did not have any living immediate family members, an illegal surgery took place. The surgery was performed by Dr. Kanou, who is receiving negative responses for his actions._** "

Amon read it so much it didn't make sense anymore.

He couldn't bring himself to believe any of it, but there it was.

And what was even more painful to read was the date the article was published on.

It was made within the same month Eyepatch made his first appearance.

Eyepatch said so many things, it couldn't be a coincidence.

Though, Amon was sure that judging by the way Eyepatch acted last time they met, Eyepatch would be deemed certifiably insane.

And what Eyepatch said about ' _The Metamorphosis_ ' was even more chilling.

That would mean that Eyepatch was very educated, because of what Amon had read about the book said that is had complex words with double-meanings.

" _One morning, when Gregor Samsa woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin._ "

The very first sentence in the small work by Franz Kafka.

_Amon felt the urge to get the book and read it for himself, to better understand what Eyepatch meant._

**A small part of Amon despised the idea.**

**Ghouls are monsters.**

_"Don't make me a murderer!"_

**Ghouls are what's wrong in the world.**

_"This world is wrong."_

Words echoed through Amon's head.

_Who was right?_

**Who was wrong?**

Amon shook his head in an effort to jettison the thoughts from his head.

**He had to _focus._**

He looked up Kaneki Ken's name on the database.

He couldn't help himself from feeling pity for Kaneki judging by his past.

**Father died early.**

**Mother died from overworking.**

**Kidney transplant at age 18.**

_Kidney transplant._

**_Eyepatch's surgical scar._ **

Amon felt bile at the base of his throat, gulping it down at the realization of what Eyepatch's words meant:

**_"There's a maniac out there turning people into ghouls."_ **

Amon felt disgusted.

**Dr. Kanou was a doctor for the CCG.**

_Should he tell the higher ups about his findings on Eyepatch?_

**Should he keep himself from learning about what's really wrong with the world?**

Whispers in his head, full of double-meanings. Double-meanings like Kafka's work.

Maybe this was just another one of Kafka's _sick_ comedies.

After all, Franz Kafka and William Shakespeare both share the same sense of humor.

_Humor derived from irony_ ; **humor derived from the misery of others.**

Something like that left a bitter taste in Amon's mouth.

Amon flinched at the hand on his shoulder.

"Hey! Calm down there, Amon! I just came by to check up on you!" Shinohara's voice boomed.

Amon couldn't hide his nervousness with Shinohara, a superior, looking over his shoulder,"Y-Yeah… I'm just kinda lost in thought today…"

Shinohara straightened his back, looking at Amon's computer screen,"So, you think you've got something about Eyepatch?"

Amon couldn't help but feel distressed, but he masked it the best he can,"Yeah… He appeared the same month as the steel beam incident in the 20th Ward. I was just looking at the patient."

Shinohara released his hand from Amon's shoulder,"That's troubling." he murmured.

"Oh?" Amon slipped out.

"Well, that could mean someone's making ghouls, which is horrific." Shinohara stated,"Don't let that get to your head. That's all ridiculous, either way. Anyway, shall we talk about it?"

"Yes, of course. Where to?" Amon nodded his head as he stood up from his swivel chair.

"I was thinking my office, but we can always change that." Shinohara shrugged.

"Then I have no issues." Amon forged ahead.

Shinohara paced so he was ahead of Amon, guiding him through the bright white halls and to the door of his office.

Shinohara held the door open for Amon, who entered to see a rather bare room.

"It's new, so I haven't had the time to decorate it." Shinohara explained as he sat on the other side of the plastic table in the center of the room.

Amon sat directly across from Shinohara,"Right."

As they both got adjusted to the rather uncomfortable folding chairs, Shinohara looked at Amon expectantly.

Amon looked down at his hands as he futzed with them,"When I entered that room, I came across Eyepatch. It looked like he had been tortured by Jason, and just had enough of him. He… He cannibalized Jason." he tried to start, but ended up choking on his words.

"What else did you see?" Shinohara asked.

Amon _really_ **didn't** _want_ to say.

_He didn't want to say he saw a **bucket filled to the brim with fingers and toes** , or how Eyepatch pulled a **centipede** out of his **ear**. _

Amon _had_ to say it, though.

"It looked like Jason had cut off his fingers and toes repeatedly." Amon managed.

He _couldn't_ tell Shinohara the rest.

"Did Eyepatch say anything to you?" Shinohara continued.

**_Dammit_**.

He _had_ to answer.

"Eyepatch told me something about the steel beam incident in the 20th Ward. Told me that the woman who died in the incident was the Binge Eater. Said that more than the kidney was transplanted." Amon nervously rambled.

Shinohara folded his hands together, taking the information in, processing it for a moment.

Finally, in what felt like ages, Shinohara leaned forward with an uncharacteristically grim face.

**_"So, do you think Kanou made a half-ghoul?"_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late chapter, but school is being a complete and utter ass to me ;-;
> 
> I hope you aren't unsatisfied with this chapter! By the way, the depictions of war come from the heart, yo! My father was in the Iraq war, and he came back a grouch. He was angry for the first few years he was back, but now he and I are anime buds. We watch Naruto and Tokyo Ghoul together. He also took me to a Three Days Grace concert on July 30th, and ever since I've been obsessed! Well, I was the one who introduced the band to him, and he asked if I wanted to go to a concert and I was like "hell yeah!" and that's how the story went.  
> I also got The Metamorphosis, and my German teacher won't stop raving about it! It had the most bizarre ending, though. I'm not talking about how Gregor ____, but I'm talking about why tf the family moves out the house
> 
> Tell me some stories about you and your pops! It'll be great to know my readers!


	4. Someone Who Cares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every street in this city  
> Is the same to me  
> Everyone's got a place to be  
> But there's no room for me  
> Am I to blame?  
> When the guilt and the shame hang over me  
> Like a dark cloud,  
> That chases you down in the pouring rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been sorely busy, and everything was deleted. Riperonni.

It had been a week since Shinohara questioned Amon for his speculations. Amon lied about the whole "Kanou" business, despite his more-than-obvious fibbing. He was no good at conjuring lies, but his best excuse was the correlations between the steel beam incident and the decline in predation in the 20th Ward. Shinohara being the kind man he is told Amon to spend some time off. He could tell there was much on Amon's mind, and the best way to rid oneself of unease is to find a solution.

Now, Amon walked the streets of Tokyo in a downpour in the pitch night. His tough leather shoes filled with cold water as he slushed on the gray sidewalk. In another time, the coldness in his shoes would be warm and soaking his socks crimson, the sidewalk matching the dye.

For now, he welcomed the cold rather than warmth.

The warm air reminded him of the breath he always swore crawled down his neck, and the burning eyes set on him. He swears of the existence, but it has not shown itself.

His curved and distinguished brows furrowed and were troubled with an uncertain feeling. At the end of an alley he absentmindedly walked into, a single hue of red showed in the shrouded darkness. The light quickly vanished, presence evanescent; the feeling of being watched still lingered.

Amon didn't have his suitcase, not right now. His insatiable curiosity would kill him for sure, but he couldn't neglect the burning fire within him, screaming to go forth. He felt the sensation of familiarity at this air, a nostalgic feeling.

It reminded him of a night so hazy enveloped in the sanguine arms of night, and tortured souls that could never bring themselves to kill.

Of course, there were two.

The other one had killed before, but for some reason neglected to do so to him. The other one, he did not know. He knew not of his name, origins, or story. What did he even know? That was the imposing feeling. The sinking in his gut as each second passed, time was running out. He had to save something, but what was it this time? Was it hidden? Where was it?

"I know you're here." Amon spoke to the emptiness,"Show yourself."

"You have no weapon." the familiar yet alien voice seeped into Amon's ears. The voice was right, though. He _was ~~~~_defenseless.

"You've found me, but what are you to do?" the voice chimed in once more.

Amon didn't know what he would do to be completely honest. As said before, it would be pointless to lie. He's terrible at lying.

"I... don't know." Amon verbally admitted.

The darkness in which the voice came from seemed to have layed judging eyes upon Amon intently, waiting for any movement. If the darkness was so hesitant, the voice must have belonged to a ghoul.

"What are _you_ going to do?" Amon changed the aim of the conversation from him to the ghoul.

The darkness remained silent and imposing, watching and waiting still. It was bestial, feral but with the quality of sentience.

"Watch." the darkness bluntly replied, and for a split second the red hue returned.

"Just... _watch_?" Amon repeated aloud, thinking to himself mostly.

There was a silence, and the rains settled between them. Every drop in the puddle sending ripples in the translucent skin above the ground. Amon worried that too soon that clear skin would be inflamed by the fiery red of blood dispersing in the waters. It was deafening, the silence. A solitude unshaken by the world surrounding.

"You weren't supposed to find me here like this." the voice piped up, splitting the sound of pure downfall.

Amon raised one of his curved brows,"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean there is still things to do." said the darkness.

"Are you..." Amon began, trailing as the red hue returned with a flash of the face shrouded in black.

There wasn't much of a face, but there was stark hair and black leather, gnashing teeth and bolts below the jawline.

_Eyepatch._ Amon finished his thought to himself.

"I believe I bequeathed to you a mission, _Koutarou_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit short, yeah. I know. I lost all my data, and I tried to focus more on sensory and foreshadowing in this chapter. Don't read this too superficially, it's a bad idea. There's lots of figurative language.


	5. Schizoid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Schizoid  
> Synonymous with being aloof or cold, but also is contradictory to itself as it also is synonymous with being erratic, incoherent, or crazy. The word means both things simultaneously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listening to King Crimson like myeees I like 21st Century Schizoid Man and I thought about adding some more cynical feel to this whole mess.

I t is said supreme excellence is to be able to overrun an enemy without even fighting them. However, that raises the question; were they truly an enemy in the first place?

“You expect me to take that mission to heart?” Amon spoke rhetorically, clenching his fists and gritting his teeth. How had he let such a vermin get to him?

“It appears as if you already have.” Eyepatch hummed lightly, fragile voice fading in the rain.

And he was right. Amon wanted to know so badly, he needed to know. His heart ached for the truth, soul magnified by it, mind yearning for it. It was his calling, and he was in denial over it.

Some roads aren't to be followed, as some lead to doom. Some armies must never be attacked, there must never be homes pillaged, and there are areas that never should be contested. Not all orders are to be followed.

Which road was Amon on now, he wondered. The road to salvation or destruction?

Amon refused to accept the road he chose himself, despite that fact. He could never let a killer get away.

Yet again, Eyepatch wasn't a killer.

Not like _him_.

The wisest warrior avoids the battle.

Was a battle destined to emerge in this night in this alley? Would it even be a battle?

“Has the rain deafened you?” Eyepatch commented on the lack of Amon’s response.

“Has the rain blinded you?” Amon retorted.

Eyepatch was being rather brash with his decisions, much like in that _damned room_. Was it from inexperience? It would make sense if Eyepatch were younger… Wait. How old was he even? How long had he lived like this? Who was he behind the mask? What were the meanings behind his words?

That's when Amon realized that every time he'd encountered Eyepatch, he showed brash actions. It was a consistent action, so it must stem from something. This time, it's different than the first or second.

Eyepatch was _watching_ him.

That sent shivers down his spine. The breathing on his neck… the gaze burned into him.

Words from earlier sunk in deeper and deeper by the second as the realization dawned upon him. The sun of that dawn was scorching and intense.

His fists were white.

“No.” Eyepatch responds, “I've just stopped being blind.”

The blindness.

Where did it come from?

Why did it go?

“What's that supposed to mean?” Amon asked through gritted teeth.

Death seed blind man’s greed.

Poet’s starving children bleed.

Nothing he's got he really needs.

“It means what I said.” Eyepatch blankly spoke.

Blood rack barbed wire.

Politicians’ funeral pyre.

Innocents raped with napalm fire.

“When were you ever blind?” Amon asked. He wanted to follow up with more questions; ‘Why did you stop being blind? When did it stop? What do you mean by blindness?’

Cat’s foot iron claw.

Neuro-surgeons scream for more.

At paranoia’s poison door.

“On a date.” Eyepatch spoke, half-jokingly half-not.

_‘This story again?’_ Amon thought to himself.

“I was always this aloof. Only after that date did my eyes open.” Eyepatch continued.

What was it to be called; this cynical and aloof behavior? There was a name for it, like there is for everything.

“Why do you keep talking about it? Whatever happened?” Amon absentmindedly asked.

“I believe I told you already, Koutarou. The mission for you is to find out what really happened. There are more sides to the story than just the victim.” Eyepatch said.

“Victim? What makes you the victim?” Amon asked.

“Is Gregor a monster if he one day wakes up as a vermin? He still has a younger sister he loves so dearly, but they disregard him for his new twisted form. Have you read it enough to see the ending?” Eyepatch asked.

“No… what happens?” Amon curiously spoke his mind.

“Gregor starves himself. He cares for the future of his family so much he refuses to eat what is theirs. He finds himself only to be a burden to them, so to keep them out of misery he sacrifices himself.” Eyepatch says.

“Does anyone know why he became a vermin?” Amon asked.

“No. The story is about what happens after the fact.” Eyepatch spoke.

“What's that supposed to mean for you?” Amon muttered.

“I don't know…” Eyepatch admitted,”but we can't speak here. Not like this. Never like this.”

“Why?” Amon was baffled at Eyepatch’s sudden caution.

It seemed so unlike him.

“Because what if you get hurt because of me?” Eyepatch said.

“What would you mean by that?” Amon was confused.

Eyepatch seemed so reckless when it came to his own safety. Why did he show caution when it came to others? Did he regard others above himself? Why would a ghoul have such behavior?

_He's a ghoul, right._

_It's my job to kill his kind._

_Why do I let this slide?_

“What are you so confused about?” Eyepatch asked.

“Why are you so concerned about me? Why don't you take care of yourself?” there were silent questions too; ones that weren't spoken but implied.

_‘Why were you following me? Why are you watching me?’_

Eyepatch paused, his eyes closed.

_“It's better to be the one getting hurt than the one hurting others.”_ he spoke monotonously, but it was full of emotion too; it was deeper than just the tone itself but rather the way he said it almost as if he recited it many times.

“My mother would always tell me that.” he continued,”I miss her greatly.” he mumbled that last part to himself.

Amon didn't want to ask what happened. Knowing what Eyepatch was, she might as well have been murdered by an investigator like himself. Maybe he was on the run his whole life, maybe he was suicidal because he wished to meet her.

“I'm following you to make sure you keep safe. We also cannot talk like this, because it endangers you.” Eyepatch responded.

“How can we ever talk?” Amon asked.

“It is unwise to schedule anything. I will meet with you when we can talk. Don't ever look for me.” Eyepatch emphasized.

“So I just wait for you?” Amon spoke in his disbelief.

_Wasn't there an easier way?_

“Yes. You should go now. Someone may see us.” Eyepatch scanned around anxiously.

_What's the hurry?_

“I can smell another ghoul. You have no weapon. Go, now.” Eyepatch pushed Amon back onto the sidewalk as he vanished once again into darkness, sanguine enveloping his small figure.

_Schizoid_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that? Haha, another cliffhanger but I updated fast this time! 
> 
> I also have been writing my own book Ruhekampf. Iz goo


	6. In Monochrome Rainbows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based off the album In Rainbows by Radiohead, I mixed in lots more poetry in this work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How come I end up where I started  
> How come I end up where I belong  
> Won't take my eyes off the ball again  
> You reel me out then you cut the string

Kaneki Ken.

Never a person of conflict, but always seemed to end up between it. Is he the egg or the goat? He would wonder sometimes if destiny or fate existed, wondered if he could wrap his fingers in the warmth of being certain. He wonders what his mother would think of him, wonders who his father was and what he was like. He wondered the warmth of a father.

Sometimes he swears he feels it.

The old man Yoshimura was the closest thing for him, but it lacks warmth in some places.

When he looked at Amon however, he would see a man torn by war who only selects few to display kindness to. He was bad at being stoic, protective of his allies, and responsibility weighed heavy on his broad shoulders clad in gray suit.

He wasn't one to run, but he needed to this time.

There was a light and it danced and stumbled in the rain, splashing the puddles; looking forward to the wonderful array of colors after the rain.

Kaneki knew not when the light ever was, but he knew it was brighter than he could ever be. He knew not that the light once was himself.

Now the light has faded into wavelengths we recognize as color. The once white canvas was smothered with paint, but the canvas does not want to look like this. They try to wash off the hideous dark colors from their sheets, peeling off their layers until there is nothing left but a mess.

The paint was red.

Now the canvas hopes the rain would wash it away like the waste it is. Does not look forward to the rainbow after the rain, after the overcast; yet when he does see the rainbow it is all in monochrome and drab just as it was during the storm.

The canvas no longer sees the world as infinite art, as the canvas himself has become art.

The canvas is Kaneki, but who was the twisted painter who drew all of these things into his mind?

It's the world.

As the rain poured on this endless and dreary night, he wondered what it was like to look into the monochrome rainbow.

He waited in the rain atop a roof in the thick of urban Tokyo, looking at the bright neon signs and billboards that gleaned in the rain. He became soaked, shoulders heavy with fabric and burdens of his worries.

The rain never really stopped, even when the ghoul came.

There was a rainbow, but there still was rain.

This time, it was warm and crimson.

 

* * *

 

Eyes open, Amon.

The rain is cold and you miss his soft voice already.

Why don't you follow him?

 

* * *

 

Limbs of the dead serve as weapons to the living enemy.

One wonders if it truly is wise to work with tools from the dead.

They do not realize that everything in this world belongs to the dead.

 

* * *

 

Approximately 15 steps away sat the fresh corpse of a ghoul. The warmth slowly faded from the body, being gifted to the rain.

A monster with an Eyepatch crouched over the lifeless, looming and staring into the eyes of the formerly contesting entity.

It all felt so much like a dream to him now; he became numb to most of it by now because of how unreal everything felt.

The brain is amazing, truly.

It perceives everything and anything in all of existence, so who is to say this isn't all in his head?

Maybe I, the author, am in my own head.

Typing the futures and pasts, Kaneki only wished he would have been able to choose.

None of us chooses, though.

The world does.

In the eyes of the dead, he sees greed and hunger. Too late for his soul to make it to any sort of ascent.

Sometimes he wished the three spindling witches would cut his strand already. Maybe they're looking for it.

A shadow stops the neon lights from touching his back. He already knows who it is.

“I told you to run.”

A pause, slightly stiff as the shadow ponders response.

“I can't stand the thought you may die because of what you are.”

His voice is heavy and worn out from yelling at himself for his failures. Kaneki can hear it because that's what his voice is like.

“Perhaps that is just fate.”

The silhouette clenches his fists.

“When have you ever left anything up to fate? Nothing will change if you don't stand against the misery that is upon us.”

It kind of just slipped out his mouth, but it struck something in Kaneki’s numb heart that caused him to let out silent tears.

“People are afraid of change, Koutarou. It is born out of their love of painting things simple.”

Kaneki spoke as the canvas he was. His colors were complex and deep, and yet he hadn't found his love for the uniqueness of the care and strokes. The painting was impossible to replicate, finely tuned by the rivers of time and Incussus.

15 steps to destruction just ahead.

You can't paint the rainbow in simple colors.

Paint it in the people of this horrifying world.

That shall touch the broken hearts of the world.

Connect them through a work of art.

Who is that canvas?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You used to be alright  
> What happened?  
> Et cetera, Et cetera  
> Fads for whatever  
> Fifteen steps  
> Then a sheer drop


	7. Firestorm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The true overture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey  
> Guns are blazing  
> As the sky is turning red  
> Better run to cover  
> You'll be quick or be dead

His black wings are twisted and brittle.

With them, he cannot fly.

Without them, he cannot survive.

Death from above.

Centipedes are known to pounce at their prey.

What are the ruins in his wake?

What is the fire that leaves after he is long gone?

 

* * *

 

“But a kingdom that is once destroyed can never come back up into being; nor can the dead come back to life.” -Sun Tzu.

 

* * *

 

“What do you mean by that?”

Amon asked Kaneki, still facing away from him.

“People are practical. They use extremes to simplify things. This creates prejudice and ignorance. Ignorance births tyranny, and tyranny births revolution. Who will start the revolution, I wonder.”

Kaneki muttered the last part to himself.

“What colors do you see in the world?”

Amon asked, wondering if not black and white, what was the truth.

“There are no absolutes in people. There is always the probability of that, as the universe is infinite with infinite possibilities- yet that just increases the probability for one to be a mix of things. Nobody is born innately evil, but are changed by this world. To isolate a whole group of people is to create that process I told you of.”

Kaneki responded, looking at his blood-stained pitch nails.

“You told me earlier people are afraid of change.”

Amon found himself saying as he moved to Kaneki’s side.

“People are afraid of death, too. They also are fearful of what they do not know. All are inevitable, yes?”

Kaneki fiddled with the zipper on his mask.

Amon looked over to see he was drenched, slightly pale too. He was wearing an extra coat, so why shouldn't he give Kaneki his?

Mostly silence sat between the two as Amon took off his extra coat, but when the warm fabric touched Kaneki's back, he flinched slightly.

“You’ll get cold, Koutarou.”

Kaneki spoke, reluctant to impose on Amon.

“I'm fine. You’ve been out here longer, anyway.”

Amon reassured Kaneki, a faint smile tugging at his lips.

Kaneki had no objections to make, either.

The two just looked into the rainy horizon, gazing at the people walking below. There were times when Kaneki smelled ghoul, but of course made no moves to cause conflict. His brows were knitted just above the patch that blocked his human eye. His mask was still over his pale face.

“Why do you wear that mask?”

Amon spoke and broke the thick silence.

Kaneki stared at him as if he just said the dullest thing he ever heard, and it very well may have been.

“I… uh. I mean that mask specifically. It doesn't fit anything about you.”

Amon scratched the back of his neck, flat with damp hair.

Kaneki rubbed his mask gingerly, a smile on his lips below his gnashing teeth.

“This mask was specially made for me. It's supposed to represent who I am.”

Amon shot him a wide-eyed look of surprise.

“How so? You look like Frankenstein got into some weird kinky shit.”

Kaneki laughs at him. It's not bittersweet like before, but a genuine and joyful one.

Amon wished he could cherish the sound forever.

Alas, all good things must come to an end; as Kaneki halted his laughter he was speaking.

“It might look like that- yeah- but every part of it is vital.”

Kaneki was looking him in the eye, now. It was humanoid and an endless gray seeped into the irises. It was like he saw the world in gray. Perhaps there is some truth to that.

It came to Amon that the bolts just below his jawline was supposed to represent some sort of freak incident. It was what Kanou had done, and Kaneki knew that was a part of him now. Starvation was apparent with the teeth, and the eyepatch came obvious.

Amon frowned at his realization, but Kaneki remained smiling under his mask.

“I have accepted it, Koutarou. Don't worry for me.”

And yet, Amon didn't listen. He would worry himself despite of Kaneki’s words. That's just who he was, and we are slaves to our genes.

Amon looked at him hesitantly as he quirked his curved brow.

“What brought you to accept that this is a part of you, Kaneki?”

Kaneki gave him a surprised look, but relaxed his expression soon after he realized.

“So you already began your mission.”

Kaneki says. It's a statement rather than a question, nothing to ask. He sits back on the rooftop and his hands are behind his head, covering himself with Amon’s coat as he looks to the sky that began to clear.

“Yeah, I have.”

Amon says, turning to look back at Kaneki.

“I know about what happened to you. I couldn't get in too deep, though.”

Kaneki takes off his eyepatch.

“I see. I know I've asked a lot from you, and truth be told I wasn't even sure if it was the greatest idea in the first place. Over time though, I found that you will see your work through until the end.”

His eyes are closed now, dark bags apparent. It looked as if he hadn't slept well in ages.

“You look exhausted.”

Amon made a short comment, thinking nothing of it.

“Oh.”

Kaneki abruptly opens his eyes.

“I can't sleep. _They_ might be there waiting.”

 

* * *

 

Heaven is where the fire comes from.

It's like the napalm strike of doom.

Of course, the deliverer is no plane.

It is a simple college student.

_Was_ a simple college student.

He's now a canvas and sees in gray.

A revolutionary that seeks a new day.

And when the spindles are all gone,

His desired day finally will dawn.

 

* * *

 

Where is the kingdom?

It is below the Firestorm.

Why is it dead?

The spindles snapped.

Who snapped the spindles?

A _rigid,_

_clicking,_

_snapping,_

_crawling,_

_**Centipede**._

 

* * *

 

“Do you ever wonder if anything we know is even real?”

Kaneki asks Amon.

They're both lying down.

There is no mask or rain, but they're in a grass field in the bright and pastel hue of whiteness.

They're smiling, too.

“Sometimes.”

Amon shrugs.

They're not wearing anything, either.

It's just the skin they were born with.

There is no stark hair.

“Do you ever see the Firestorm?”

Kaneki asks, voice so soft and happy.

“Yeah. I don't like the fire that leaves kingdoms in ruins.”

Amon mutters as his breath escapes.

The sky is red now.

Sanguine clouds roll in and rain crimson warmth. The pale skin is stained in blood, the grass corrupted.

“But after every fire comes rebirth.”

Kaneki spoke as he frowned.

“Osiris is the god of death and rebirth. Things must be destroyed to make room for other things to take its place.”

Blood filled his mouth, his eyes were crimson as he stared dead into Amon’s eyes.

A centipede crawled from his ear.

 

* * *

 

He awoke in an alley. It was morning and the sun kissed his skin. He was just below a canopy, a small figure standing over him. Everything felt so hazy, so distant to him. Is this what it's like to live in despair?

Then he remembered that Donato taught him exactly what despair felt like.

“There was a fire in the apartment complex we were on top of.”

Kaneki said, a look of worry on his face. His hair was white.

“Really?”

Amon scratched his head; he couldn't remember.

“You fell asleep on the roof, so I had to bring you down here. I didn't want anyone to hurt you in your sleep though, so I ended up waiting the whole night.”

Kaneki said, and although the words sounded annoyed Kaneki’s tone was welcoming.

“You didn't have to-”

“I'm obligated to. I have burdened you.”

Kaneki interrupted.

“Now, I must get going. Don't follow me, whatever you do.”

And boy, was Amon bad at listening to orders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carpet bombing cities  
> And grinding them to dust  
> Able men and women  
> Will all be victims  
> Everyone will suffer  
> The wake of their attack  
> Bombers show no mercy  
> A land in ruins  
> Homes have turned to rubble  
> And the airstrike has been approved  
> Tasting their destruction  
> Fear the black wings of death


	8. Freewill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ponder the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A planet of playthings  
> We dance on the strings  
> Of powers we cannot perceive  
> 'The stars aren't aligned  
> Or the gods are maligned...'  
> Blame is better to give than receive

 

In life, you will be given impossible to count decisions to make.

What do those choices matter if we cannot get rewarded?

 

* * *

__

 

There is more to life than just doing what you're told. Nothing gets done that way. Revolution is the change we so desperately need.

Revolution is upon us, and the harbinger speaks casually with his supposed enemy.

 

* * *

 

Amon had followed Kaneki throughout the winding streets of Tokyo. It was early, but still people were crowded in the streets anxious to do their jobs.

There was no way Kaneki didn't smell him, but yet again Kaneki had worn his jacket last night. It may give him an edge at spying on him, but Amon was a rather large man; it was hard to hide himself.

Kaneki would sometimes look behind himself in paranoia. Maybe it was his next sense? Perhaps he could tell Amon was there and lurking.

He was at his second step to finally finding the world Kaneki sees.

There were thirteen steps to go.

Monday, February 13.

This day felt endless, years every second. The Lyckorus shoots through the carotid artery to the mind, blocking rest needed.

Colors blot in the eyes.

Succumb to the illness of addiction.

All have, and all will.

Always has been and always will be, the embodiment of Amut in a Gaelic word; Aye.

Uncertainty plagues the minds of children and corrupts the future. The next generation will do the same, for that is the only thing they know.

Amon believed he could understand Kaneki after years of detesting his kind.

Like how in every generation of children, there will be a husk that knows the power of its own wind. They will change the world, and become the cause.

Thirteen steps, he sees. He does not see the drop at the end.

He keeps following Kaneki to an apartment. He looks through the window at a distance.

Immediately he notices the flamboyant purple-suited loudmouth. Kaneki doesn't seem to like him very much, but they talk anyway.

Comes in another, really beefy with a strange beard being followed by three people in gas masks. If he recalls correctly, they were aligned with Aogiri.

The tall loud one leaves shortly, and then a little girl he recognizes walks up and smiles at him holding a thick book.

She points to a place on the page.

Kaneki smiles as he talks to her, writing something on a page of paper.

The atmosphere seemed so happy, perhaps even Amon wished to be part of it.

He reminds himself that they are ghouls.

Yet again, so is Kaneki who regards everyone above himself.

The book looks old and worn out, too.

It isn't long, either. It looks about the size of any old children's book, but of course things changed when he read the title.

Die Verwandlung.

Amon knew very little german aside from casual things because of Japan’s CCG being rather close to Germany’s CCG, but that's about to the extent.

Die Verwandlung means The Metamorphosis.

The book was at least college level in its original language, and even harder in kanji.

The girl was at best in middle school, and she was reading The Metamorphosis. Knowing Kaneki must have suggested the book to her makes him feel warm inside.

He didn't want to isolate ghouls anymore.

Not when they try so hard to understand.

 

* * *

 

“There are roads which must not be followed, armies which must not be attacked, towns which must not be besieged, positions which must not be contested, commands of the sovereign which must not be obeyed.” -Sun Tzu.

 

* * *

 

Amon wonders which path he shall choose.

Which road must be followed to victory?

Which road was the clearest and truest?

It's like the drums he will use as a metronome for each step and the rate he takes them. He will march to this beat.

Will the piece he marches to be fast and full of strumming and fast-paced action?

Will it be sad, slow in the mimic of a reverie?

He knows not, but we do.

His piece is Convergence by Carold Nunez.

As is Kaneki’s.

Two worlds converge into one grand piece played by winners and the young nominated to be great. Begin the cellos, seven measures of E under whole notes. Then come in the slurs, weaving up and down the piece’s atmosphere flowing with.

A river of fortissimo in sadness, then comes in the conflict.

Maestro goes the fiddling violins, weaving with the cellos. The basses are thrumming their passage through fate. The piece is three pages all the same notes, different on the instrument playing it.

One must wonder what instrument they are in life.

Amon hopes he is important to the piece, but of course he is. He is the bass that breaks through the stagnant pause of the instruments on the second page.

Kaneki is the cello that began mellow, turning only a bit with the disturbances until it built up into mayhem. He now is the leader of that mayhem, but there is a grace to his rich cello bow strokes.

The two will play with the orchestra that is the world until they are the last players in the finale, Gregor’s younger sister smiling at them from the violin section. The rest will have fallen, quit, or tired out by the end.

The dead in the audience will smile and applaud until they become deaf, and can play the music no more.

Of course, this piece’s finale ends in revolution.

The first step has been taken.

As well as the second.

The third is ready to be taken.

What is the clear path Amon has sought but never found?

_Freewill._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All preordained  
> A prisoner in chains  
> A victim of venomous fate  
> Kicked in the face  
> You can't pray for a place  
> In Heaven's unearthly estate


	9. Drifting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ruhekampf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your picture's as dark as can be  
> I've got some demons of my own  
> Inside  
> And I've just tried to let 'em out to breathe

Kaneki knew of his presence, yet still did nothing. Why didn't he?

To test Amon and himself.

Of course, after the day was done he still felt Amon’s eyes on him. He was tired, so couldn't Amon just leave him alone?

Kaneki sighed as he found he couldn't sink himself in his book. It was a new book, too. When he caught wind of it he was eager to read it, and it was hard to find a version in Kanji. He loved it, too. The author used double-means like Kafka, with the plus side that she’s actually alive and able to contact.

To book is hard to come by, but it's called Ruhekampf.

The author knows the world is gray.

Kaneki just couldn't focus on the words on the page, thinking and thinking forever.

The author of Ruhekampf has a quote about that actually.

“Many say that people who can entertain themselves without anything but themselves are boring, but me? I say that being able to entertain oneself with oneself is the sign of brilliance. They have found solace in themselves, and that is the best thing in the world.”

Many dispute that she's crazy, but Kaneki believes she's a Schizoid just like him.

Maybe one day they’d share a cup of coffee together.

Kaneki couldn't keep his mind in order at all today. Everything felt like a twister, one thought drifting to another.

He sunk in the couch as he sighed deeply, looking out the window.

It was raining out.

He hoped Amon wouldn't catch a cold.

Then there was a knock at the door, almost startling Kaneki off of the seat he sunk in. He hastily placed a bookmark at his place, and stood up to the door and looked through the hole.

He hadn't expected to see an eye looking back at him.

He jumped slightly again, this time wondering who it was. Tsukiyama already had stopped by for the day, so that leaves only one other person who knew of his whereabouts.

Amon.

Kaneki sighed in annoyance. Hinami was here now, and he didn't want to scare her with one of the investigators that cornered her mother.

As if right on queue, Hinami tugged at his side, smiling up to him.

“Do you know who it is?”

She asked, ignorant of his thoughts.

“Hinami…”

Kaneki began.

“Please stand back. I don't want to upset you.”

A small and fake smile plastered his lips.

Hinami was confused.

“What do you mean? Why would I get upset?”

Kaneki's smile saddened slightly.

“It's a dove, Hinami.”

Her expression widened in shock as she tightened her grip on Kaneki's clothes.

“Don't go.”

She softly says.

“Don't worry, Hinami. He's not gonna hurt anyone.”

Kaneki ruffles her hair.

“You should get back upstairs.”

She reluctantly complies, giving a glance to Kaneki before going upstairs.

Kaneki checks the hole again, and he has no doubt it's him. So he opens the door.

“I told you not to follow me.”

He says, a stoic expression on his face.

“Doesn't this whole situation imply that I can't follow orders?”

Amon replied, his strange curved brows quirking.

Kaneki cracked a little, a sigh to stifle upcoming laughter as his straight face grew a grin.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You guess?”

Amon persisted his shenanigans.

“Yes, only guess.”

Kaneki laughed, adding a bit of sarcasm to his voice.

“Why did you decide to stop by only now?”

“You knew I followed you?”

“It's kinda hard not to.”

“Owch.”

“But seriously…”

Kaneki continued.

“Tell me.”

Amon paused for a minute to gather his thoughts.

“I couldn't help but notice you haven't been turning the page in an hour.”

And he was right. He hadn't been reading for the past hour, but he wondered why that raised suspicion in Amon.

“That happens every now and then. Was there a problem with that?”

“Well, I never heard of the book before.”

Amon scratched the back of his head. He was hiding something. Kaneki would let it slide for the time being.

“You mean Ruhekampf? It has a German name but its original language is English which makes it hard to find in Kanji. It's a newer book from the U.S. so I wouldn't expect you to know anything about it.”

Kaneki indulged.

“If it's English then why is its title German?”

Amon said, puzzled.

“Well, apparently the author says that German has words that have deeper meanings than English words. Ruhekampf roughly translates to “Peace Struggle” which can be interpreted in various ways. It could be “the Struggle for Peace” or “Peace Struggling to Persist,” or even an oxymoron.”

Kaneki shrugged.

“May I?”

Amon gestured for the door to be opened.

“Yes, but only downstairs. This is the last time we can meet like this though, got it?”

Kaneki sighed as he explained again.

“Of course. I only have a few more days off anyway, and I should prepare myself for the next few days.”

Amon nodded.

Kaneki visibly stiffened.

“I see…”

He grudgingly says.

Kaneki let Amon in, and they proceeded to both sit on the couch. Kaneki took out his bookmark in Ruhekampf.

“Where did you get a copy in Kanji?”

Amon asked.

“I know someone who is related to someone who once acquainted with the author’s grandfather and mother.”

Kaneki explained.

“Who's the author?”

Amon quirked his brow and shifted his gaze to check the spine of the book for the author’s name.

“The author goes by a few pen names.”

Kaneki shrugged.

“A few?”

“Yeah. There's Thoth, Diivizkrah, Schizoid, Zsiok. All are pretty bizarre, but her real name is Mae. Or so I have heard through my acquaintance. Not too sure if it's reliable.”

Kaneki responded, flipping the page.

Skida just took his last breath, the Lyckorus still on passage through the carotid into the temporal lobe. His eyes are blotted in hues of bright green. An overdose.

His soul now rests in Vitium, Elak Ond laughing at his misery.

“Who's the main character?”

Amon suddenly asks.

It takes Kaneki a moment to think about it.

“There is no real main character. It changes from chapter to chapter, puzzle piece to puzzle piece. Nobody in this war is good or evil. Nothing is black and white.”

“That seems like what you were trying to tell me earlier.”

Amon hums.

“Thoth isn't blind, either. If only she weren't so far away.”

Kaneki mutters.

If only he knew that I, Thoth, have recorded their every thought.

Crows hopelessly struggling against lions.

Ghouls hunting humans to survive.

They laid on the couch happily reading the subliminal story of reality; Ruhekampf.

They were now at a Ruhekampf.

Amon was Qeth Val, and Kaneki was Otium Libero.

Both wondered if they would be remembered after death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good grief, I've been busting my ass off with these chapters. I think I'm addicted to writing this story.  
> I want to get to romance but I don't want it to be unnatural, so I guess slow build. I'm gonna edit tags to show it. I think I need to clean this whole work up, lol.  
> If you wanna read Ruhekampf, visit my Amino; The World of Mundi. I'm Elak Kval if you wanna message me anything ^.^
> 
> Happy Valentines Day!


	10. Ambivalent Acumen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Foreshadowing;  
> Who is the acumen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apocrypha is upon us.  
> Question all, lay no trust.  
> The acumen succumbs to the disillusion.  
> Coherence swallowed by confusion.

Apocrypha is upon us  
The antithesis is adverse  
The acumen will not accede

The acumen is cognizant  
His dirge is dour   
His elegy engenders fetters  
Idiosyncratic  
Until his last breath

Inured from the world  
The maelstrom sets in  
The noxious panacea lies  
Redoubtable sober minds  
Vilify the acumen they did  
Wily the zephyr fibbed

Apocrypha is upon us  
One is not ultiarian if they veracity  
Solipsism pernicious to those not phlegmatic

The acumen is the pariah  
The world is pejorative  
Pellucid are his teachings   
The world does not see they are in nadir  
The mores are graves  
The maxim creates slaves  
The crows knell in the inane yard  
The acumen is an iconoclast  
Exigency to the confusion and disillusion

Espouse the acumen  
He engenders elegy  
Ephemeral covet cupidity  
Contrite souls pass through conduit  
Compunction drowned as we carouse  
Bereft the acumen is slain

Arrogate does the bane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apocrypha is upon us.  
> Solipsism is the crux.  
> The old panacea was broken by truth.  
> What we see we wish not to accept.  
> But this misery is only the first step.


	11. Narrative I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An intermission between chapters; a word to the audience from the author personally.

I have spoken of it all throughout the chapters of this book, and it is the fate we are doomed to.

Who am I to say fate is real when I disregard it?

I am Thoth.

The Ancient Egyptian God of writing, he would record trades, prices, and the results of weighing the heart into the passage to the underworld.

I bring your reading to a halt to give a message about the conflict of this book, and how it is real. It is here, it is upon us.

There may not be covens of cannibalistic magical creatures or a group funded by the government using their dead limbs to battle the creatures they fear.

Yet, there are those who aren't given a chance from birth. It's the lie of capitalism, and I bequeath to you the truth. Nobody is born with the same chance, never. It is our corruption that lies about this.

People are born poor, born from minority, born from famine and poverty. All of this equates to how one learns, which overall equates to the chance one has. Our equal chance should be after education.

Yet, not all life must be sustained. Some is unnecessary, some a waste of time and space. One never gets time back, and the law of conservation of mass prevents space from ever returning. 

All of this may seem incomprehensible, and for that I am sorry. My thoughts are scattered, and I am weary of all the wrong in the world.

If life is not sentient, or capable of generating coherent thoughts isn't to be considered on the same grounds as normal human life. It is an unthinking organism that cares only for the survival of itself.

Despite that, children are not to be treated lesser than any other sentient life. One may be older, but not necessarily smarter than the younger. Even at a young age myself, I am capable of constructing such thoughts and weaving such words. Do you think I don't comprehend what I write on the page? I comprehend everything on the page and the deeper meanings below, and as should you.

The wise will find endless philosophies in even the most simple writing; even if it is a children's book.

Treat nothing as superficial in this world unless you pursue foolishness. The wise will question the truths they know, and create their own.

What are the truths, you will ask.

I created an explanation of the universe, and named it Incussus after the Latin word for impact. It is infinity, Aye, the embodiment of Amut and the swastika of Sanskrit.

Notice how all of these things seem to have lost their meanings over time.

Incussus is true fate. It is perpetual cause-and-effect, taking every factor that is seemingly impossible for humans to fathom, but I do. Incussus is fate in a sense, as it determines the future with the laws of coherence we have established in our current universe. Every atom moved in another direction generates another universe whereas coherence does not exist; it's utter mayhem in an alternate universe.

As a side-effect of the laws of Incussus, we are born with prejudice unintentionally. Or is that simply another fragment of Incussus? It's both.

Thoth will tell you of the problems, the values we have lost sight of and what we must see.

We lost sight of survival of the fittest. To digress; we are slaves to our genes. If we treat people with cancers, then their cancerous genes forever will pass down generation to generation. Yet, to leave them to die is hypocritical for what we stand for. There must be a solution, but where is it?

Thoth has not found it.

Thoth is afraid of what Thoth does not know, but also afraid of what Thoth does know.

Thoth knows that we do not know what is yet to be learned, and Thoth knows that Thoth is smart and knows very much.

Yet, the brightest of humans know nothing compared to the infinitely expanding universe. Thoth knows this, and Thoth is scared of this.

If Thoth knows nothing despite walking among the wisest humans, then Thoth fears the future for the human race.

We know nothing because we only know what we want to know. So many secrets between ourselves we try so desperately to find out, but we don't look to the stars and wish for their secrets.

We prioritize war over human progress, and that is another fatal mistake.

While we become better at conquering Earth, the flexibility to conquer more worlds diminishes.

Such hypocrisy within our words.

Will we ever stop?

Thoth wonders, and Thoth dreams.

Ideas are real, and if that's so; Amon and Kaneki's struggle is real. Not in superficial sense- wait- perhaps it is.

Technically, we all live in our heads. Every sensation existing is only real because of neurons we send and receive. Perhaps we live in a fake world, and what we perceive as false is as false as we are.

The universe is infinite with infinite possibilities.

Children are underrated.

They are our future, treat them with care. If we all spoke like Thoth, then all of us would have equal chances. But we don't.

Biodiversity gives humanity strength.

Even the thoughts of mere idiot children are important to hear.

They one day will take the wheel, and go down a road Sun Tzu had expected.

As of current, the orchestra communes.

Thoth, Maethrillian, Elak Kval, Yorskaag, Charlie Chaplin, Sun Tzu, and Franz Kafka await Kaneki to finish tightening his bow.

The strings are made of entrails, the rosin is bone marrow.

They begin a production they will never forget.

They haven't named it yet, but they call it Incussus.

The first scene features Charlie Chaplin and Franz Kafka speaking to each other. There's a language barrier.

"Goodaye, Mr. Kafka."

Charlie bows.

"Guten morgen, Herr Chaplin."

Franz bows back.

They begin talking about their legacy after they have died. What they expected of the world after their work.

The sad thing is that the dreams never came true.

Kaneki begins playing his piece, Reverie. It's slow and in minor.

The two walk up to a crimson river, a soldier bathing in it. It's Sun Tzu.

They continued talking about their legacies, and Sun Tzu told stories of his battles. They all write down thoughts, and out of the pages emerge Maethrillian, Elak Kval, and Yorskaag.

Maethrillian was a general weary of war, wishing to return to his ancestors.

Elak Kval was a revolutionary that began a rebellion after his eyes were opened.

Yorskaag was a god of fire who took it upon himself to kill his best friend who had lived too long. He cried for him.

They were fragments of someone's being.

You wonder who.

It's Thoth.

They are all characters from his stories.

Kaneki sets finale as he joins them in their world of contemplation, land of philosophy.

From the audience claps Osiris and the dead.


	12. Restless Zephyrs and Engendered Iconoclasts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seven point five billion in oppose to Maethrillian   
> See the suns, stars, the night within this selfish blight
> 
> There is trouble in the clouds as the light wind blows  
> A fury in hiding below sunlight shot glows  
> The trees rustle in their leaves atop a snow whitened peak  
> Not everybody knows the path in which the wind blows
> 
> Zephyr the man of winter upon a foreign shelter  
> Where does he go and what does he see?  
> Zephyr the wind beats upon me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't try to look up the song Zephyr; it's a song I wrote. In addition, Zephyr means a light breeze if you didn't know. I'm gonna call it Iconoclast/Zephyr or something.

_In this world, we all breathe together.  
_

_All is one, one is all._

Everything in history impacted your existence. Everything in history caused your existence.

And your small existence has no purpose.

To think that we blind ourselves with the illusion of God. It may be controversial to say he doesn't exist, because it's impossible to determine if anything exists, and that you aren't just a single entity going about a life that is doomed to be insignificant because that life you only perceived.

That is the philosophy of Solipsism.

_We are all alone in this world._

And the universe is ever expanding, anything is possible because of the infinite expansion.

Know that infinity has no beginning, nor does it have end. We as foolish humans believe there must always be beginning to something- it is difficult to fathom that something never truly began, but always has been.

Think about it like how when a day changes.

It goes from 23:59 back to the start at 0:00. We know not the first true year or day, and nor do we know the last. Infinity almost seems incomprehensible, but technically it is among us. We act upon it.

_When did hatred begin?_

_It began when life did._

_When did life begin?_

_It began in a time uncertain._

_Who's to say that life hasn't always existed?_

For bacteria to exist and arrive on Earth, it must have come from somewhere. That life also must come from somewhere. Were we born out of chemicals festering on a distant world? It's impossible to determine, but we are made out of elements and compounds that are found in unliving nature. The theory is plausible, but there is no solid evidence- thus for now we must say that life has always existed.

_That means hatred has always existed._

So long as the living must fight for their existence to persist, there will be subliminal and primitive instincts embedded within our brain.

That is what it is to be slaves to our own genes.

I, Thoth, have discovered this by myself. I took what I knew about the minds of creatures and have come to this conclusion.

We are doomed to our hatred, but there must be some way to overcome it.

And as humanity has evolved and become civilized, the primitive instincts have become useless to us- all it does is bring death.

_So please, abandon the weak illusion that is God’s protection._

_Take my hand, reader._

_I will tell you my new name._

 

* * *

 

Kaneki sighed as he adjusted his position while reading Ruhekampf. He wouldn't let Amon out in the rain, so Amon had passed out on the couch and Kaneki was forced to sit at the base, slouched over his book thinking about the information behind the words on the page.

Thoth was trying to say something, using this fictional war to do so. He had already finished a while ago to discover the book was unfinished, and Thoth had left an author’s note to the readers. It seemed encrypted in some sort of miniature story.

_“Apocrypha is upon us. I have become cognizant, I wish you will. Reading these pages have burned a sight into your eyes, but you do not see anything but the still image. Return, remember, and realize. Realize that Apocrypha is no myth. Remember the life of sullen souls. Return to sickening depths to find what you seek.”_

Kaneki knew he'd read the book all over again. He needed to figure out the message while he still had nothing else to do. Once the week ended, he'd have to get back to work. To distract himself, he felt it was necessary to crack the code in the book, but alas no matter how many times he read it he couldn't get past the frequent references to Sun Tzu.

And he wondered what it would mean.

What was the message?

Squinting his eyes at the book didn't solve anything, nor did reading upside down or in a certain order. Nothing worked, and nothing indicated anything of interest or that even hinted to something that would solve the code.

And after hours of staring at the leathery cover, Kaneki decided he wanted to take a break from straining his mind.

Normally at times like these, he’d sit on the couch looking out at the window, but Amon was sprawled out all across the furniture and snoring. He didn't want to disturb him.

Sometimes he wondered what he was thinking when he let the investigator inside his apartment. Where did everything go wrong?

Perhaps nothing went wrong, and this was just the doing of fate. Yet, fate isn't real. We pretend it is to soothe the uncertainty of being remembered after death.

Systems are down in this society, so much has died that many don't want to remember.

Kaneki looked at the time, of course. He couldn't have Amon here too long, so he began poking at his face in effort to wake him.

Amon’s face scrunched, displeased and bothered by the incessant poking. Kaneki forgot how annoying it was when Hide would poke him at any given time. Although he missed it, he couldn't return to Hide. This was to protect him, and speaking of Hide…

“Hey, Amon.”

Kaneki softly whispered.

Amon’s hair was damp and his lips lightly wet with saliva- he must have been extremely tired for that to happen.

It was funny, so much so it reminded him of this character in Ruhekampf who was typically the above average student in love with school dozing off in their Mundish class, drooling on their hands accidentally with their hands propped in their fist.

And Amon was sort of like the last person you’d expect to doze off like this. He always was so uptight for no particular reason aside from being respectful and disciplined. Just like any brainiac succumbs to exhaustion, as does the faithful man of humanity. Kaneki smiled- at least both humans and ghouls all slept in the same manner.

“Hey, Amon. Wake up, it's getting late.”

Kaneki continued to poke at Amon’s face disturbed from sleep.

Still groggy from his sleep, Amon grabbed Kaneki’s hand that poked at his face and held it tightly as his tired eyes squinted to see.

“Stop that.”

Amon muttered as his distinct eyebrows furrowed to meet out the figure before him.

“Amon, it's getting late. You should get going.”

Kaneki explained.

“How long have I been asleep?”

Amon slurred in his hazy awakening.

“A few hours.”

Kaneki sighed as he stood up, but Amon still held his hand.

“What is it?”

“Why did you let me live?”

Amon held tighter, causing Kaneki's hand to chill at lack of blood.

“Because I don't want to be a murderer.”

Kaneki didn't even have to think twice about his answer- he knew deep in his heart that what he did wasn't something to question or to even object at. It was in the act of mutual understanding, something Kaneki would refuse to admit.

“That's all there is to it? What have you been eating, then?”

Amon still held his hand tightly.

“I…”

Kaneki couldn't exactly say he ate ghouls- it challenged his sanity just thinking about it.

“Do you deem yourself worthy to pass judgement on who should and should not live in this world?”

Amon asked before Kaneki could make his answer.

“Perhaps that is so. How selfish of me to even think that I would know right from wrong. Truth be told, I'm not sure what to do.”

Kaneki's hands shook as he looked down to them.

No matter how much Kaneki shook in fear of his own actions being out of hypocrisy, Amon still saw Kaneki as a strong person.

_Person._

In this multiverse of possible paths and currents of a stream, there is a single universe in which they reside. That universe on its own is infinite with infinite possibilities and multiverses, and out of one of the many multiverses born there are a few with this pale blue dot known as Earth. In one of these universes resides these two people amongst 7.5 billion. With the vastness of everything, you would think their plight is something small. Of course, universes only exist around one’s perception of it. A schizophrenic may have a different universe than that of one with a healthy mind, but they all as a collective sentience dwell on the same land as each other within the same domain, all experiencing different universes.

In what odds would these two see the same way?

Amon squeezed Kaneki's hand in reassurance of his restless worries.

“Don't worry about it. It may possibly be hypocritical in another's eyes, but so long as you know the reasoning behind your actions, it is not.”

Kaneki's scrunched eyes opened to meet Amon’s gaze in his surprise.

“Do you really think that?”

He didn't ask to test Amon, but to test how strong the reassurance really was. He needed steadfast support to really motivate him to move forward.

And Amon knew that just by the look on his face.

“There always will be things that you know that others don't. If those things must remain secret, and if those things must be abstained from someone to keep their ignorance for their sake, then the action of hiding your motivations are justified. If you keep someone ignorant for your sake, then hiding your motivations are unjustified. It is ignorance that gave birth to this hatred, but some things are better left unknown to those which do not hate on account of their ignorance. It consumes time to determine the hateful ignorant and those uninvolved, thus is why the CCG deems extermination to all ghouls instead of a select few. To be honest, I'm beginning to loathe the thought of killing people just out of the nature they were born with.”

Amon reinforced his reassurance.

“Yet, not all justice is to be given.”

“Revenge is an ugly thing.”

Kaneki sighed in effort to shake his doubts.

“That's what happened with Rabbit, right?”

Amon curiously asked.

“I think that's when the daughter ran off and got herself lost, and Rabbit and I went looking for her. That night, we never intended on getting revenge. We just wanted to make sure she was safe.”

Kaneki continued.

“I got sick of standing by and watching my friends get hurt. I remember when Rabbit returned from killing that investigator, she was injured badly. I wasn't there to stop her, and she didn't do it for the benefit of us. She did it as revenge, not benefiting anyone and caused the cycle of hatred to persist.”

“You seem to not trust me enough as to give me their names.”

Amon frowned.

“It's not like I don't trust you, but I don't want you to end up hurt.”

Kaneki explained.

“Now, will you tell me what you've been eating?”

Amon questioned.

“I think it would be better for you not to know.”

Kaneki told him.

“Now, is this for the benefit of you, or the benefit of others?”

Amon quirked his curved brow.

It took a moment for Kaneki to think. If he told Amon he was eating ghouls, he was sure to be angry with him. If he never told him, Amon might endure more painful burden than he already does.

Kaneki took a deep breath.

“I eat ghouls, Amon.”

 

* * *

 

_The patch of potent and pure Lyckorus pressed against God’s carotid, the emollient shooting through the conduit to his lobes to cease his restless plight. With God’s blighted eyes, the world could see out of more grand oculars, and they looked upon the truth._

 

 

* * *

 

My new name.

I am _Iconoclast_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suspense is not exactly my forté because I tend to ramble on and on about a topic until you completely understand what I am saying in each and every perspective, which is actually rather wordy. It's the end of black history month, and the beginning of my birth month of March! I was bored with binge watching FMA: B so I thought I may want to write and woo hoo I finished the chapter I was working on.


	13. Hole in the Sail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Our story begins on an exhausted old couch at an all too familiar party. Here we find a not-so-inviting young man staring deep into his glass. There's nothing too spectacular or impressive about him; perhaps this is the reason he is of interest. He has come to a point in his life that we all reach. He asks the question; “What am I doing?”
> 
> He could be me, he could be you;  
> this is the story of Noah, and the hole in the sail.”

Amon’s eyes widened as Kaneki's were dead serious, the restlessness shown swirling in his gray irises that once were full of life.

“You… Cannibalize?”

Amon continued to shift nervously as he put two and two together.

_When ghouls eat other ghouls, they are consuming more RC cells than when they consume humans. The RC count skyrockets to that beyond which is normal, and the excess RC cells need to be used in some way or another. As a result of these excess RC cells, ghouls will begin to develop a carapace around their body out of RC constructs, much like a kagune. It is said that ghouls taste foul and rotten to other ghouls, perhaps as a warning to avoid eating other ghouls and overload their RC cell count. RC cells are much like hormones produced and released when a host body is under great stress. While humans also possess RC cells, they are in rather low levels as they lack a kakuhou to manage RC cells. In rare occurrences when humans produce an abnormally large amount of RC cells, they will develop a cancerous RC cell construct or even several at any place in their body. This condition is known as RC cell over-secretion disease (ROS) and is incurable. An excessive amount of RC cells is unhealthy to anyone and everyone, they be a human or a ghoul._

Amon roughly grabbed Kaneki's wrists and jolted him down so their faces were level with each other. He was going to say something, his face scrunched and wouldn't stop quivering in pure disgruntlement. Amon turned his head to the side, and through half-obscured eyes, he released Kaneki as he tried to calm himself.

Kaneki was confused until all of the sudden Amon looked at him once more with bloodshot eyes and a grim expression.

“Kaneki… all that will do is hurt you.”

Amon muttered, keeping quiet as to not expose his weak and wavering voice.

“Why do you care so much?”

Kaneki replied, face emotionless; but his pupils were small in an unreadable pattern of twisting emotion.

Amon clenched his fists; he didn't know why he cared so much, truth be told. Was it because Kaneki was once human? Was it because he thought just like him?

There were so many reasons that even Amon himself wasn't aware of; subliminally planted in his brain in which his conscience denies the truth. His frontal lobe screams at him in defiance, temporal lobe backing up the argument. It was a civil war waging in his head, mixtures of chemicals reacting with the others in response to neurons of disgruntled information. There was no single emotion, but a mixture adding to his confusion.

“It's because you wouldn't let me die.”

It slipped out.

Kaneki's ostensible look of apathy turned into that of softness, like he had rehearsed a dirge at his mother's grave full of melancholy and sorrow, left only with the look of sentiment.

“I see.”

He softly said, his narrow pupil widening and darkening in the swirling gray depths of his iris. Kaneki turned away from Amon, refusing to look at his face.

“It's going to get cold soon, you should leave before that.”

Kaneki then began to clean up the room, despite how nearly spotless it was. He was distracting himself, perhaps from something he had remembered that wasn't all too pleasant.

“But if you're telling me not to eat ghouls, then what do I eat?”

He continued, disproving Amon’s initial assumption that he hit a nerve. Kaneki just wanted to hide his face, his voice was faint, softer than usual.

“I couldn't bring myself to eat anything after my rehab, after I discovered what had become of me. I starved to the point I almost had eaten my best friend.”

His voice was wavering, and his knuckles were white and stressed.

“Speaking of which…”

He trailed, wiping at his dry eyes; he could not release any tears. Not anymore.

“Have you spoken with Hide?”

Amon was taken aback by the question.

“Not really. We bumped into each other at the workplace, but that's about it.”

Kaneki sighed.

“Can you at least keep an eye on him?”

“Why is that, anyway?”

Amon asked.

“Hide tends to know if I'm hiding something. He gets himself in trouble often because of that.”

Kaneki replied, rubbing his chin.

He's hiding something, but Amon hopes in due time Kaneki will feel comfortable telling him.

“I see. Speaking of which, how long have you known him?”

Amon asked, changing the subject so Kaneki could at least feel more comfortable speaking with him at the moment.

“I've known him since I was little. Truth be told, I wasn't the one to initiate the friendship. Hide kinda noticed that I was alone all the time, I guess he didn't like seeing me all by myself.”

Kaneki responded, turning back to Amon to sit on the sofa with him, looking at some old pictures he grabbed from the shelf he was previously organizing.

“I guess I didn't have many friends, I just had the books my father left behind.”

“What about your mother?”

Amon asked. He knew that he didn't want to press on the subject previously, but he also knew that it might make Kaneki feel better if it gets off his chest.

“She was always working so hard to lend money to her sister, my aunt. It always was something new every week or so. Eventually, she worked herself to death.

I had to live under my aunt’s roof until I was an adult. When I got good grades, she would treat me to a dinner of hamburger steak; until she felt that I was rubbing it in her face. Her son wasn't doing well in school, so she thought I was mocking her by being a good student. I was neglected, and eventually I felt out of place there.”

Kaneki replied, dark shadow overhanging his eyes.

Amon knew a thing or two about having a rough childhood- Donato- yet, Kaneki has had a different experience than him. Kaneki is nonetheless a different person than he is, and with each different person there is a different way of coping.

 

* * *

 

_Oh I'm sailing away_  
And sinking down  
Underneath this couch

 

* * *

 

“I haven't had it all too well, either.”

Amon admitted as he continued.

“Your experience is very different than mine, so I don't know what to do.”

“I want to change it.”

Kaneki said, hands slack at the wrists and dangling off his knees holding the pictures of past times he would never get back.

 

* * *

 

_There was once a sailor that forged across the isles in aimless search for what his captain wished._

 

* * *

 

“Change it?”

Amon asked mostly out of surprise at the response.

Kaneki looked at him dead in the eyes, the lack of sleep evident under his purple bags.

“If there is a way to break this cycle of hatred, it's by proving those that hate wrong.”

 

* * *

 

_When sailing headlong into a storm their captain flew overboard, and it was all up to our dear sailor to make a decision for himself._

 

* * *

 

“You haven't been sleeping, have you?”

Amon spoke, concerned for Kaneki's state of mind.

 

* * *

 

_He couldn't pull everyone together, and all of his crewmen died tethered to the masts as they looked for high ground. They knew not the solution lay in the sea itself. So as the waves thrashed our sailor went overboard, losing all of his friends and the firm ground beneath him._

 

* * *

 

“No. I have nightmares.”

Kaneki clenched his gut, remembering the pain in numb and cold dreams.

 

* * *

 

_The sailor was swept under the surface, and pulled down in the currents of a maelstrom. He drowned in the sea, and under the weight of his guilt and sins._

 

* * *

 

“Nightmares?”

Amon quirked his curved brow.

 

* * *

 

_As he entered his metaphorical hell, he was faced with those who had shoved all of that unbearable weight upon him. He screamed as they grabbed at his heart and scratched at his brain._

 

* * *

 

“I… just want to protect everyone…”

Kaneki muttered as he looked down at his lap under dark eyes.

 

* * *

 

_Man cannot be avaricious; they cannot protect everything, nor can they save everyone. While there is no such thing as fate, death is a part of life. Even so, there is such a thing as survivor’s guilt, and whether one dawdles in despair or accepts that bad things will happen in life and learn to prevent it._

 

* * *

 

“What happened?”

Amon spoke softer than usual as he questioned.

 

* * *

 

_When man becomes too avaricious, they will succumb to it. Avarice not characterized by decadent greed, but by pure greed. Pure greed isn't innately bad, nor is it innately good. Too much of it in man will cause great pain._

 

* * *

 

“I was kidnapped by Aogiri because they thought I might be of use. Truth be told, I was pretty weak then so I became a lackey and was forced into doing things I didn't want to. There was a group of people who didn't want to be there either, and they invited me in. There was a mother and a child, and a few others. We made plans to escape when the executives were away.”

Kaneki bent his knees to meet his chest, burying his face deeply in them to mask his pained eyes.

“It was all a setup, and Yamori said that if I went with him he’d leave the others alone. How could I be so naive?”

His voice shook, short breaths coming from him.

“You don't have to say it all, Kaneki. Not if it hurts too much.”

Amon placed his hand reassuringly on Kaneki's back.

“No. I need to get this out.”

Kaneki insisted.

“I accepted Yamori’s offer. I went with him to protect the others. I was isolated to just pain, him, and myself. I would've gone mad if it weren't for the thought that I had saved the rest. At least then it was bearable, but then…”

 

* * *

 

_One single life only amounts to a single life. The sacrifice of a single life can never be an equivalent exchange that satisfies genocide. That one single life will be fooled as punishment to their ignorance to the true and cruel way of the world. A single life… only amounts to that much._

 

* * *

 

“Well, Yamori found my mental strength to be frustratingly difficult to break through, so he asked whether he should kill the mother or her child in front of me. I was too weak. I couldn't decide.”

Kaneki shook, softly and sharply whispering as he drew rugged breath.

“I got so mad… so mad because he promised he’d let them go. Of course, I was a fool to trust him in the first place.”

“What happened to them?”

Amon asked.

“Quite simple, really. Yamori got so mad he killed them both. That and the fact that my sacrifice was all for naught broke me. I would hallucinate and retreat in my mind. Then the CCG raided the place, and Yamori was ordered to kill me. Despite how broken I was from the torture, I somehow still had the will to survive.”

Kaneki muttered beneath shallow breaths.

“So you killed him?”

Amon tilted his head.

“No. Yamori, despite all of his cruelty, had people who cherished him. He also had those he cherished. I had thought to kill him, but as he kept screaming for his mother, I realized that. I left him for dead to fall prey to someone else.”

Kaneki croaked bitterly.

 

* * *

 

_And while a single life may only equal a single life, there are those who have claimed multiple lives, and use the blood on their hands as testament to their sins. They become a bane, one to be eliminated to stop their needless bloodshed. They know not that bloodshed is part of life, as only the strong must survive. One life that has bloodied their hands are equal to a life that has not, yet it is human irrational thought that comes to the conclusion that they are not equal. By the actions of humans, they are subdivided. Strange to think that even with all the logic behind the first argument, I support the second most. Even the cynical one day had hoped to be idealistic._

 

* * *

 

“Why would you show him mercy?”

Amon wondered.

“Because of what I just said.”

Kaneki replied.

 

* * *

 

_And while a single life may equal only a single life, there are those who have saved countless lives. Their hands are made for creating, and those that the life has helped will seek vendetta if that single life falls to another. While that life may only equal a single life, their death may bring war and death to many lives._

 

* * *

 

“You are awfully unfortunate, you know.”

Amon commented in attempt to lighten the mood.

Kaneki laughed, another one of those wonderful genuine laughs- unlike the bittersweet he often would give.

“Well, yeah. I wonder why this has happened to me.”

He ended his sentence with a darker tone, remembering the code in Ruhekampf.

_“Apocrypha is upon us. I have become cognizant, I wish you will. Reading these pages have burned a sight into your eyes, but you do not see anything but the still image. Return, remember, and realize. Realize that Apocrypha is no myth. Remember the life of sullen souls. Return to sickening depths to find what you seek.”_

He unintentionally flipped to the page, sparking curiosity from Amon.

“Where's that from?”

“Ruhekampf. Some kind of code.”

Kaneki replied.

“What’s with the characters?”

Amon frowned.

“There seems to be at least some sort of pattern, as some often repeat, but without a key we cannot be sure about anything.”

Kaneki thought aloud.

“Well, as you said…”

Amon stood up as he brushed his wrinkled suit pants.

“... it's getting late and I ought to go.”

“Don't forget your jacket.”

Kaneki reminded.

“Of course not, even if it's drenched.”

Amon chuckled a little bit.

It was as if this encounter wasn't dangerous to either one’s status, like they existed in a world without ghoul or investigator. The feeling was surreal to most who abided by those laws, but not to Kaneki or Amon. The feeling was welcome.

Even if Kaneki had to convince a spying little girl that this encounter only brought good.


	14. Αττεrο Dοmιηατυs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How all great things find disillusion.

Amon returned to the office not that long after, receiving a few greetings and questions about where he was. Shinohara glanced at him often, having to return to attend to Juuzou’s antics.

“Finally off your break, I see.”

Akira rolled her eyes.

“I, uh…”

Amon made effort, scratching the back of his head and granting a fake smile.

Akira plopped a large stack of papers on Amon's desk.

“All for you, the leads on the Daughter, Eyepatch, and Rabbit as of recently. The Gourmet also seems to be striking different wards, too.”

She informed him, finding slight amusement in Amon's flustered expression. Or was that nervousness?

“What were you doing all that time, anyway?”

Akira knew Amon was very devoted to his work. It was very unlike him to take days off, let alone do them of his own accord.

Something was up, and she was going to get to the bottom of it.

“Shinohara suggested that I take a few days off to think through everything. Everything about the raid.”

Amon admitted.

“And you took that offer? How very unlike you.”

Akira commented.

“You didn't see what was in that room, Akira.”

Amon muttered in response.

“What was there to see?”

Akira asked.

“Something absolutely heinous. It was the leftovers of torture.”

Amon said gravely.

“What?”

Akira said out of surprise.

“Nevermind.”

Amon mumbled as he sat himself at his desk covered in papers.

 

* * *

 

_Hours tick by in the subway-plagued night, children set their beds and hug in tight. Kings laugh at their coldness, wrapping in their own. An assassin sits at the edge of the throne room, the kings unable to see him past their arrogance. Maybe if they weren't so blind, they'd still be alive~_

 

* * *

 

“Amon, what happened?”

Akira pressed on.

“I already told you all that you need to know. Don't ask again, please.”

Amon requested.

“I don't like this, Amon. Why won't you tell me more?”

Akira slammed her hand on his desk, grabbing the attention of shadowed and dead eyes.

“Akira, I'm not telling you this as an acquaintance, but as your superior.”

His dead stare of black slate set upon her wide one.

She didn't need to know, nor would she ever want to.

He still had nightmares and haunting dreams in the middle of the night which would awaken him in cold sweat. Words swam through his mind, endlessly turning with the tides of conflict.

_**Αροcrγρhα ιs υροη υs.** _

The words tore at his skull day and night, restlessly clawing at the inside with seemingly no origin to it. Where had he heard it before?

**_Αροcrγρhα ιs υροη υs._ **

His heart thrummed as sweat beaded at his forehead, breathing becoming rugged as his skin and muscles seemed to tighten over his rib cage.

**_Αροcrγρhα ιs υροη υs._ **

He opens his eyes to see that it was only a head rush, dots at the corner of his vision sparsely and slowly dissipating as he turns his head to meet Akira’s worried gaze.

“Amon, can you hear me?”

Akira repeated, like Amon somehow knew she had said it before.

Amon pinched the bridge of his nose, grunting as his eyelids pressed together as a makeshift anchor to reality.

“Yeah- yes I can hear you, Akira.”

“You should get a drink or something.”

Akira recommend.

“You don't seem very awake right now.”

“I can't drink in the morning.”

Amon replied, dumbstruck by her statement.

“No, you idiot. I mean water. People don't work as efficiently when they're dehydrated.”

Akira rolled her eyes.

“I suppose you're right.”

Amon muttered as he continued.

“Do you know about anyone named Thoth?”

It was an absentminded question, but it loomed over his head for no particular reason other than reading just a few passages from Ruhekampf before Kaneki took the book from him.

Akira looked at him, an eyebrow raised at the seemingly random question.

“Not really. I heard Rank 2 Takizawa saying something similar.”

“Sorry to bother you.”

Amon said, stepping up from his seat.

“Where are you going?”

Akira asked.

“To get a drink, like you asked.”

Amon replied as he stepped out of the room.

 

* * *

 

**_Αροcrγρhα ιs υροη υs._ **

**_Τhε sκιεs αrε grαγ ωιτh τhε fιrεs οf ωαr._ **

**_Τhε cοητιηgεηcγ ιιεs το τhε ρεοριε._ **

**_Αττεrο Dοmιηατυs, τhε αcυmεη ιs γου αηδ Ι._ **

**_Dο ηοτ fεαr ωhατ ιs υηκηοωη το υs,_ **

**_ζοιη υs ιη τhε sεαrch fοr ιτ._ **

**_Ψε αrε βrοτhεrs αηδ Sιsτεrs ιη ιgηοrαηcε ωε ωιsh το ιιfτ._ **

**_Ιη υηιοη ωε sταηδ, ιη υηιοη ωε διε._ **

**_Αροcrγρhα ιs υροη υs._ **

**_Αηδ τhε αcυmεη ιs οηε ωιτh υs._ **

 

* * *

 

Takizawa was particularly dull today, hard to get information out of him. Perhaps tomorrow would be a better day, Hide thought to himself.

Then comes in Senior Investigator Amon, the _Big Cheese_ he needed to look out for. Truth be told, he sorta scared Hide with how tall he was and those freaky weird eyebrows of his. Takizawa wouldn't be too thrilled to hear that Hide thought of Amon like that. In fact, Takizawa was an absolute fanboy over Amon. It was a little annoying.

And Hide regretted thinking about Amon in that very moment. Speak of the devil and he shall come, Hide internally groaned.

“Well, see ya later, Seidou.”

Hide grunted slightly as he sat himself up.

“Mhmm.”

Takizawa responded, not sounding too keen on speaking or paying attention to anything but work at the moment. He was absolutely restless.

 

* * *

 

**_Τrιτε ωε αrε, αηδ cοητrιτε ωε sιηκ._ **

**_Οραqυε ωε sεε τhε τrυτh, τrαηsραrεητ ωε sεε τhε ιιεs._ **

**_Mοοηchιιδ ωιτhουτ Sυηchιιδ, ηιghτ ωιτhουτ εηδ._ **

**_Αττεrο Dοmιηατυs, τhε αcυmεη ιs γου αηδ Ι._ **

**_Ι δεsτrογ τεrrοr, ωε δεsτrογ ιιεs._ **

**_Uτιιιταrιαη ιs ηοτhιηg ωιτhουτ ιιεs._ **

**_Ψε δεsτrογ αιι υsε, αηδ ωαr διεs._ **

**_Thε αcυmεη ιs αιι τhατ rεmαιηs._ **

 

* * *

 

“Rank 2 Takizawa, I want you to keep an eye on Hideyoshi Nagachika.”

Amon ordered.

“What?”

Takizawa nearly jumped out of his seat to stand at attention to Amon, who only laughed at him.

“You mean the mailman? He's only a part-timer, it's not like he's gonna cause any trouble.”

Takizawa responded, a little shaky from Amon's surprising appearance.

“No, I'm talking about what you tell him. Be careful, keep an eye on what's he’s doing.”

Amon replied.

“Yessir!”

Takizawa saluted before immediately returning to work.

 

* * *

 

**_Ψhατ hαρρεηs ωhεη τhε Rειch hαs fαιιεη?_ **

**_Αττεrο Dοmιηατυs._ **

**_Ι δεsτrογ τεrror, γου sεε hεανεη._ **

**_Αττεrο Dοmιηατυs._ **

**_Ι ωοηδεr τhε δεατh._ **

 

* * *

 

“Himami, come here.”

Kaneki softly spoke to the cowering eavesdropper.

“Please, let me explain.”

“Onii-chan, why?”

She quivered as she asked.

“He’s agreed to help us change things, Hinami. I promise.”

Kaneki reassured her.

“He was with-”

“I know he was, Hinami. You need to trust me when I tell you that he can be trusted.”

Kaneki interrupted her before she could remind him of that horrible man.

“If you're that worried, I didn't tell him your name or anything.”

Hinami relaxed slightly, although her posture was still tense.

“I don't want him to hurt you either, Onii-chan.”

Kaneki smiled, another fake and bittersweet one as the film that was reality burned away with the haze faded away. It was a flash of light all in an instant, but it felt like what should've been.

 

* * *

 

**_Αττεrο Dοmιηατυs._ **

**_Ψε βυrη τhε ραrαsιτεs from ουr cιτγ._ **

**_Αττεrο Dοmιηατυs._ **

**_Ρυrgε τhε mοηsτεrs ιη ζυsτιcε’s βιιghτεδ ηαmε._ **

**_Αττεrο Dοmιηατυs._ **

**_Τhεrε’s τοχιcιτγ ιη ουr cιτγ._ **

**_Αττεrο Dοmιηατυs._ **

**_Κιιι τhε τεrror._ **

**_Αττεrο Dοmιηατυs._ **

 

* * *

 

Kaneki looked down at Amon. He just had learned his name for the first time, yet the Investigator enthralled him with the filthy ideals of what should've been, what was right.

He had to fight to save everyone, so he did.

Even if it meant cutting off the man’s arm.

Even if it meant bleeding out into the sewers.

Ενεη ιf ιτ mεαητ _δγιηg_.

_Fοrgεττιηg ενεrγτhιηg._

_**Βυτ ηενεr sοιιτυδε.** _


End file.
